Coward
by marmaroth
Summary: Or, Taichi quits karuta. AU, drabble, what if fic.


Arata is there, only it's not a dream but a memory, because they're standing in the doorway and the sunset dyes them orange and gold, and Arata is cleaning his glasses with crisp, clean movements. He is also very carefully not looking at Taichi, who is sobbing into his sleeve.

"I don't want her to hate me," Taichi says between hiccups.

Arata looks up, then. His eyes, behind the glasses, are so very, very blue, clear and far and endless like the depths of a cold lake. Taichi forgets to breathe.

"You're a coward," Arata says simply, without malice.

Taichi wakes up.

* * *

_Goddammit_, is the first thing he thinks as he lays there, arm thrown over his eyes. Goddammit.

One year, and he still remembers. One year, and he still can't forget.

Chihaya probably hasn't forgotten either, but Chihaya is Chihaya and she'll remember only the good things—late nights whispering poems aloud to each other, hastily made shirts with her name on them, angels in the snow. She never saw Arata's cold eyes or the way he could cut straight through, like your breath was a _karuta_ card and his hand was just _there_, wasting no words, sweeping you off the _tatami_ in a millisecond's worth of truths and lies.

For a year, Taichi tried to forget. But when someone sees so far into you that it's like they took a knife and cut you open with it, it's hard to forget the scar. And today is different.

Today, he's going to give up _karuta_.

It's not completely out of the blue; it's actually been coming on for a while now. His imagination, Taichi thinks, is taking Arata's insult out of context. Going behind Chihaya's back to cheat and get back at the new kid who humiliated him was cowardly; Taichi will admit that. But he advanced to Class B a while ago, and no matter how he looks at it, advancing to Class A isn't worth the effort it'll take. His mother frowns at him in disapproval each time he heads out the door for another tournament. Nobody who's anybody even knows what _karuta _is. The soccer club has been courting him for a while. This time, Taichi calls it playing it smart, cutting his losses, focusing his energy on more productive things.

Would Arata call him a coward for that?

Taichi knows the answer is yes.

Chihaya will be mad, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and she's been calling him less and less lately in any case. Besides, he thinks, I'm not like her. I can't throw myself into something like nothing else in the world exists. I can't ignore the rest of life, or growing up, or a company that will need taking over. I can't sacrifice everything to a children's game and children's promises and pretend I'm happy. I know better than that. I _am_ better than that.

I'm not a coward. I'm just smart.

So Taichi rolls over to face the wall and closes his eyes; and instead of _karuta_ or Arata or even Chihaya, he dreams of trophies and cheering and running down grassy fields, and in his sleep, he smiles.

* * *

A few days later, Taichi is at soccer practice when the phone rings. And rings. And rings. And rings.

No one picks up.

* * *

**A/N: **Taichi is probably my favorite character in _Chihayafuru. _He's good-looking, rich, popular with the girls, athletic, and smart-pretty much living the dream life, which means that out of all of them, he probably has the most to lose in picking up _karuta__. _He's pretty tempted to give up _karuta_ in canon, and I can really see it happening because, well, who would play an obscure kids' game when they could have everything they ever wanted if they spent their time elsewhere?

I also like his personality. He's not crazy passionate like Chihaya or a quiet genius like Arata; despite the veneer of perfection, he's just your average guy. He gets scared, he's easily discouraged by failure, he can be vain, he gives in to peer and parent pressure. I can sympathize with him a lot. Haven't we all had something we thought wasn't worth pursuing-and now regret not trying harder to pursue? I'm glad that, in the canon at least, Taichi didn't have to face that regret.

(The person calling at the end is probably Chihaya, but Arata works too.)

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